You guys, I’m scared.
I was all hopped-up to share a fun homemade deodorant post with you today, but I had some other things to say so that post will have to wait.
Today, I’m going to talk a little bit about something more personal (and not always pretty): FEAR. Remember this post when I shared about taking a class this summer? Well this was week 1 of said class and let me tell you – it stirred up some real scary feelings for this girl.
Let’s start with what the class is: Intro to Interior Architecture. Sounds approachable, no? I thought so too. And maybe it is. But when I was knee-deep in fear on my first day it certainly didn’t feel approachable. In fact, it felt like something only Plato or Socrates could comprehend. This class is required for the School of the Art Institute’s Interior Design Certificate program. Guys, it’s one of the INTRO classes. As in, it will only get harder from here.
So it’s day one and the very kind teacher is talking about what we will learn in the class and what to expect and I start to feel a little pit crop up in my stomach. Then he starts going over the supplies we’ll need to purchase and that pit starts getting pretty big. Finally, he hits us with what our final project will be and I might as well have been free-falling through time and space.
You know that endless tunnel Alice is falling through on her way to Wonderland? That is what my fear looks like. It starts small and grows. It feeds itself. It’s cyclical and it escalates quickly. Before I know it, I’m terrified and convinced my world is ending.
EXAMPLE: The teacher is speaking, reviewing the materials we’ll need to purchase (vellum – I don’t even know what vellum is) and I think ok I’m going to have to pick that up on my lunch break tomorrow, which means I’m going to have to eat lunch back at my desk so don’t forget to pack a lunch tomorrow. Then he explains the readings we’ll have to do for homework (omg homework?! I haven’t done homework in years, I suck at homework, I never finished my homework also when am I going to find time to do said homework). Then I glance at the clock: 8:45pm. You may remember, from this post, that I go to bed at 9:00pm sharp. Well looks like that’s out the window. Ok, new bed time. But wait that means I have to get up a little later if I still want eight hours. Shoot but I have to do my marathon training in the mornings before work. Ok, new plan. Seven and a half hours’ sleep will have to do for the next five weeks. (Side note, I know I’m insane about my sleep and all you parents out there are laughing your asses off at me right now thinking “This bitch is worried about getting 7.5 hours instead of 8?!?! PUH-LEEZE.”) Shit, is my marathon training going to suffer if I’m getting less sleep? Maybe the timing of this class was a bad idea. Teacher interrupts this thought pattern to add fuel to the fire: I have a presentation due Tuesday. OMG Tuesday that’s in exactly seven days. Also he wants us to go to the library and use original sources (a.k.a. not Wikipedia). Uh what I don’t even remember how to work a library. Let alone cite sources. Crap. Crap crap crap. I can’t do it. I can’t even keep my house clean and my laundry done and get my runs in. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
Bottom line: I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m scared. I am so very far beyond what is my comfort zone. But I also have a sneaky suspicion this class is going to be one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.