A little different #filterfreefriday this time… I just joined Facebook. Yesterday.
Let me back up. I had a Facebook account back in 2007. And then I deleted it. Because I had stopped living and started comparing. Everything in my life was filtered through the lens of “Will this make me look good to others?” Every photo I took, every comment I wrote, was in pursuit of ego. I was fully emerged in the comparison
game battle. And the highlight reel was killing me. It’s a lose-lose. Comparing my “real” to everyone else’s “reel” made for a pretty miserable existence.
I remember my breaking point. I took some photos of a group of my friends and immediately began scrolling through them to find the one in which I looked best. That’s the one I’d post to Facebook. Nevermind that I was no longer engaged with my friends. Nevermind that I’d checked out of the conversation. Nevermind I’d lost the ability to actually connect with those around me.
So I deleted it. Setting a timer or rules to adhere to was not an option. I’ve always struggled with self-discipline and healthy boundaries. I’m a black and white thinker (don’t worry, I’m workin on it). So it had to go. There was no in-between at that point for me. It was all or nothing. So I chose nothing.
And that was great. I actually loved living without Facebook in my life for the past eight years. It was freeing and liberating and I felt so far removed from the comparison game. At times it bordered on a holier-than-thou mentality, which also was in pursuit of ego (that damn ego). But generally I felt amazing being off the grid.
Until I started this blogging thing. My blogger friends told me I had to be on Facebook, that it’s a huge traffic driver for them. My initial thought was “Oh no, I can’t, there’s no possible way!” I was (still am) full of fear. Fear of that boundary-less consumption that was my life when I was previously on Facebook. What if I get caught up in the game again? What if I get sucked in and I’m suddenly depressed and can’t get out of bed because her life is so much greater than mine? I’m still terrible at navigating self-discipline, still have horrible black and white thinking. How could I expect myself to navigate the abyss again? Facebook preys on my fear of feeling left out.
Maybe for you it’s not Facebook. Maybe for you it’s chocolate. Maybe you can’t buy a bag of m&m’s and eat just a handful. So you don’t keep it in the house. You avoid the candy altogether.
Life without Facebook was good, but it’s time to test the waters again. I’m scared, but I’m going to try anyway.
Wish me luck, friends. I’ll see you on my home page.